APR 14

WE ARE THE KNIGHTS WHO SAY "NI"

KEEPING UP WITH THE LATEST CORPORATE INITIATIVES

Here is the script from the scene. Does it remind you of anything in corporate life today?

HEAD KNIGHT OF NI:  Ni!
KNIGHTS OF NI:  Ni!  Ni!  Ni!  Ni!  Ni!
ARTHUR:  Who are you?
HEAD KNIGHT:  We are the Knights Who Say... 'Ni'!
RANDOM:  Ni!
ARTHUR:  No!  Not the Knights Who Say 'Ni'!
HEAD KNIGHT:  The same!
BEDEVERE:  Who are they?
HEAD KNIGHT:  We are the keepers of the sacred words: Ni, Peng, and Neee-wom!
RANDOM:  Neee-wom!
ARTHUR:  Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!
HEAD KNIGHT:  The Knights Who Say 'Ni' demand a sacrifice!
ARTHUR:  Knights of Ni, we are but simple travelers who seek the enchanter who
    lives beyond these woods.
HEAD KNIGHT:  Ni!
KNIGHTS OF NI:  Ni!  Ni!  Ni!  Ni!  Ni!...
ARTHUR:  Ow!  Ow!  Ow!  Agh!
HEAD KNIGHT:  We shall say 'ni' again to you if you do not appease us.
ARTHUR:  Well, what is it you want?
HEAD KNIGHT:  We want... a shrubbery!  [dramatic chord]
ARTHUR:  A what?
KNIGHTS OF NI:  Ni!  Ni!  Ni!  Ni!  (The Knights of Ni aggressively shout, “Ni.”
ARTHUR and PARTY:  Ow!  Oh!
ARTHUR:  Please, please!  No more!  We will find you a shrubbery.
HEAD KNIGHT:  You must return here with a shrubbery or else you will never pass through this wood alive!
ARTHUR:  O Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a shrubbery.
HEAD KNIGHT:  One that looks nice.
ARTHUR:  Of course.
HEAD KNIGHT:  And not too expensive.
ARTHUR:  Yes.
HEAD KNIGHT:  Now... go!
Later …………………………………………………………………………………………
ARTHUR:  O Knights of Ni, we have brought you your shrubbery.  May we go now?
HEAD KNIGHT:  It is a good shrubbery.  I like the laurels particularly.  But there is one small problem.
ARTHUR:  What is that?
HEAD KNIGHT:  We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say 'Ni'.
KNIGHTS OF NI:  Ni!  Shh!
HEAD KNIGHT:  Shh!  We are now the Knights Who Say 'Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang-zoop-boing-goodem-zoo-owli-zhiv'.
RANDOM:  Ni!
HEAD KNIGHT:  Therefore, we must give you a test.
ARTHUR:  What is this test, O Knights of-- Knights Who 'Til Recently Said 'Ni'?
HEAD KNIGHT:  Firstly, you must find... another shrubbery!
    [dramatic chord]
ARTHUR:  Not another shrubbery!
RANDOM:  Ni!
HEAD KNIGHT:  Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place it here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get the two-level effect with a little path running down the middle.
KNIGHTS OF NI:  A path!  A path!  A path!  Ni!  Shh!  Ni!  Ni!  Ni!  Shh!
    Shh!...
HEAD KNIGHT:  Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring!
    [dramatic chord]
ARTHUR:  We shall do no such thing!
HEAD KNIGHT:  Oh, please!
ARTHUR:  Cut down a tree with a herring?  It can't be done.
KNIGHTS OF NI:  Aaaaugh!  Aaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT: Augh!  Ohh!  Don't say that word.
ARTHUR:  What word?
HEAD KNIGHT:  I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words the Knights of Ni cannot hear.
ARTHUR:  How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is?
KNIGHTS OF NI:  Aaaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT:  You said it again!
ARTHUR:  What, 'is'?
KNIGHTS OF NI:  Agh!  No, not 'is'.
HEAD KNIGHT:  No, not 'is'.  You wouldn't get vary far in life not saying 'is'.
KNIGHTS OF NI:  No, not 'is'.  Not 'is'.
BEDEVERE:  My liege, it's Sir Robin!
MINSTREL:  [singing]  Packing it in and packing it up,
    And sneaking away and buggering up,
    And chickening out and pissing off home,
    Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge.
ARTHUR:  Sir Robin!
ROBIN:  My liege!  It's good to see you.
HEAD KNIGHT:  Now he's said the word!
ARTHUR:  Surely you've not given up your quest for the Holy Grail?
MINSTREL:  [singing]  He is sneaking away and buggering up--
ROBIN:  Shut up!  No, no.  No.  Far from it.
HEAD KNIGHT:  He said the word again!
KNIGHTS OF NI:  Aaaaugh!
ROBIN:  I was looking for it.
KNIGHTS OF NI:  Aaaaugh!
ROBIN:  Uh, here-- here in this forest.
ARTHUR:  No, it is far from this place.
KNIGHTS OF NI:  Aaaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT:  Aaaaugh!  Stop saying the word!  The word...
ARTHUR:  Oh, stop it!
KNIGHTS OF NI:  ...we cannot hear!
HEAD KNIGHT:  Ow!  He said it again!
HEAD KNIGHT:  Wait!  I said it!  I said it!
    Ooh!  I said it again!  And there again!  That's three 'it's!  Ohh!
KNIGHTS OF NI:  Aaaaugh!
(Arthur and the knights pass through the forest and ride away.)

“NI, NI, NI, NI, NI, NI, NI, EECKY-ECKY-ECKY-ECKY-PIKANG-ZOOP-BOING-GOODEM-ZOO-OWLI-ZHIV”

WE ARE THE MANAGEMENT CONSULTANTS WHO SAY .........

   We are the management consultants who say “Rightsizing.”  Bring us lots of money and your best resources, and you will be able to pass through the forest of inefficiency.

 Now we are the management consultants who say “Outsourcing.”  Bring us even more money and we will let you let pass.

 No wait, now we are the management consultants who say:
 
“Balanced Scorecard, Management by Objectives, Pay for Performance, Learning Organization, Continuous Improvement, Innovation, Business Process Re-engineering, Six Sigma , Statistical Process Control , Zero Percent Defects, Demings Cycle, High Performance Technology, Intellectual Capital Management, Business Intelligence…  ........................................................................................ 
 
and then when you have finished phase 1 of the project, you must embark on phase 2 which requires even more money and resources and ..........”
 
Enough, enough, you say, stop, be quiet.
 
“Change Management, Disruptive Innovations, Total Quality, Demand Driven Supply Network, Global Supply Chain, Innovation, Customer Relationship Management, Customer Relationship Marketing, Strategic Intent Core Competences, Competitive Advantage, Vision Engineering, ISO x000, Innovation Engineering, Blue Ocean Strategy, Strategic Selling, Cascading KPIs, Human Capital Management, MRP, ERP,  BRP, Business Process Monitoring, Web 2.0, e-business, e-commerce, e-learning, Design for Engineering, Design for Manufacturing, Product Lifecycle Management……………………………………….…
 
all your competitors are doing it,  so you must do it too…….”
 
Stop, stop, stop. Don’t say anymore. I can’t bear it.
 
“Outsourcing, Insourcing, Rightsizing, Downsizing, Benchmarking, Accordian Management, Decentralization, Delayering, Shared Services, Centralization, Lean Organization,  Lean Manufacturing, Just-in-Time, Kaizen, Systems Dynamics, Empowerment, Core Competencies, Participative Management, Emotional Intelligence, Time-based Competition, Community 2.0, The Wisdom of Teams, The Wisdom of Crowds, Virtual Corporations, Virtual Collaboration, Virtual Teams…….”
 
Enough ? Enough?
 
……And just when you get versed in one of these management methods, another one has taken its place that is suddenly the answer to your organization’s woes. After you become learned in enough of these concepts, a great gestalt moment arises when you realize that all along all you have been doing is buying shrubberies.

Posted by Karen Phelan. 32 comments. Filed under Templates. Tags: awesome, new.